These ugly photos

I recently stumbled upon these photos and thought you all ( the 3 that follow the blog) would enjoy them. One is of my favorite point guard where he appears to be double fisting drinks and shitfaced at the same time. The other one is even more remarkable. This one appears to be a photo of a giant grasshopper having his way with the one of Satans demons. Very attractive demon nonetheless but still a demon.......Jeff

ALL TERRIBLE TEAM

The following is the all terrible Jazz team. We took the worst players to every sport a Jazz uniform and made an MVP, starting lineup, and a sixth man. We also will list the honorable mentions that did not quite make the team. What a bunch of knob jobs!

MVP: Luther Wright

Point Guard: Milt Palacio

Shooting Guard: Quincy Lewis

Small Forward: Pace Mannion

Power Forward: Stephen Howard

Center: Jose Ortiz

Sixth Man: Ben Handlogten

Honorable Mentions: Pete Chilcutt, Rusty LaRue, John Amaechi, Curtis Borchardt, Jarron Collins, James Donaldson, Billy Paultz, Mel (dinnerbell) Turpin, Corey Crowder, Bart Kofoed.

Davin

November thanksgiving feast of entertainment.

Dearly beloved guests of this blog I would like to take this opportunity to give you a treat that has entertained us for generations. This is the documentary "This is Spinal Tap". I highly suggest watching this movie. It is not only innovative but directly paralells the journey of the rettards through the rise and fall of the rock band. Enjoy this little clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXGbwIkvh38

What in the hell is wrong with people.

Recently events have happened to trigger the world into a panic. Barack Obama has been elected the 44 president of this great country of ours. One of which men of his stature could only be created. I have heard rumors of gun control, anti christ and of course the assumption fear comes from submersive racism. I can assure you change is a good thing. We as human beings have a tendency to reject change. I dont ask that we should change our ways and somehow overnight embrace something mankind has gone through for thousands of years. Rightfully so that we should be worried. Many of you reading this blog work for the companies that have been effected by the problems we see in the financial markets. However the United States will continue to shine bright and recover brighter than ever before. This is what great men like John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and of course George Washington knew when they faced the undaunting task of what might lay before them. However no matter what know that the reciliance of Americans burns very bright and we will be better than before. I love my country and have served its cause for a period of my life but know that the reason I signed up to die for its cause was because a black man from a single parent household that had every reason to fail could ascend to its pinnacle. This is what America truly is all about. God Bless this great country that I was privaleged to be part of. Oh and God Bless Metallica the best shit ive ever seen.

Jeffrey Marlow Jaques

KeyHole Video Fight Night #2

Hello once again to all 10 of the people fortunate enough to view this wonderful blog! It is the glorified babysitter back with you again for other segment of KeyHole Video Fight Night. I wanted to do a Halloween special however I decided to go with these two gems. I will be putting a poll up for a more scientific approach to the vote taking. Here we go!!!!

Ding Ding

#1 This wonderful video takes us back to the 80's and also includes a reference to Rocky Balboa in his younger days. This band lived on movie soundtracks and after the Rocky series had no where to run...enjoy this one as I bring you Survivor and Eye of the Tiger
#2 This video I stumbled upon while doing intensive research for this article (and cracking up as well)...this band which hails from North of the Border seems to have the market on really cheesy videos. This band will making an appearance at the Rock Gone Wild which I will be attending this summer in Iowa. I am excited and also ashamed to give this to you it is Helix and Heavy Metal Love (just dont fall too far for her)


Thanks once again and I will see you all next week

KeyHole Video Fight Night

Welcome all to the first of hopefully many weekly video fight nights pitting the best of the worst that the 80's had to offer in videos. This was a time when many rockers pitted their careers on one great video. We would like to offer you the worst that the 80's had to offer. These video's offered poor performances, shoddy workmanship, and well lets face it just plan uglyness. Each week we will offer you two video gems for you to vote on well lets get ready to rumble

DING DING!
Corner #1 offers a wonderful production straight from the mid 80's that ruined a rockers career and sent the gay nation into jubulation. This was a hard rockin guy who somehow got the advice to do this video that many in the wavelength might rank as the worst video of all-time however we want you to decide it is none other then Billy Squire with Rock Me Tonight

Billy Squier - Rock Me Tonight


Corner #2 offers a relative newcomer who I personally have grown to hate this band this a group of pirates that are not fit to even play a high school gym little lone a concert hall however they somehow find a way to open for every third rate 80's rocker band that comes to town with that I give you SHADOW with Intoxicated and you better be to enjoy this fine piece of video (pass the jack)

10 Ugliest All-Time Bands

By Roger Key-Glorified Babysitter and Music Correspondent

I just wanted to send a hearty hello to all you out there unfortunate enough or bored enough to be viewing this article. I am excited to be “musica professial” for the Jaqueswave and consider it only a honor that they would choose little old me to write about the thing that I love the most…(well almost the most)…..music. So without further ado here is my personal list of the 10 ugliest bands of all time:

Honorable (or UnHonorable Mention): Trixter Alright anybody who knows me (and that is the 5 people viewing this) know my unbridled bias against Trixter….as far a looks go not the worst but as far as music value and looks combined they deserve a spot on the list

10. Blue Oyster Cult: The bloated mega-rock group of the 70’s keeps living on with one hit on classic oldies stations. I can never understand a band that has one hit and everyone considers them a classic..anyway not only ugly but crappy…don’t fear the reaper (or Grim Reaper) but fear the look of BOC

9. SuperTramp: Breakfast in America no I think more like barf in the evening….not only was their career ruined by MTV but they scared millions of Americans into shaving their beards and embracing clean cut Reagan ideals.

8. Kansas: If we were ranking concerts this is in my top 3 of worst concerts however for looks it has to be an eight. Jenny Craig really needs to have an intervention with the guitarist and the rest of the band needs to become Dust in the Wind

7. Shadow: Alright Alright I know nobody outside of a two block area of Ogden knows Shadow but I have seen them so many times I have to add them. Between the bass player with eye patch and Captain Jack façade, to Pizza the Hut on drums and finally to the lead singer who had his grandma stitch his coat and accessorize for him this band is twenty years past has been’s. Thank goodness for old rock bands to open for and $2.50 Jaggerbombs to keep the dream alive!

6. ManofWar: Heavy metal thunder?!! No I think more like blatant homosexuality wrapped in a macho package. This band holds the Guniness Book of World Record for loudest concert but they are only number 6 for my top 10 ugliest bands…maybe they can find some baby oil and lube each other up

5. Rose Tattoo: Has anyone ever heard of these guys except me? Well after cruising late night tv they unfortunately appeared on Metal Mania..I felt like I was in a dream but it really was my ugly reality. Angry Anderson (the lead singer) needs to be less angry and more lucid of the look of his band…just plain ugly

4. Loverboy: Was Mike Reno really a babe for young girls in the 1983? I find it hard to believe that a bucktoothed headband wearing man could even be considered a superstar…this band’s music was ok however they look like they were Working for the Weekend all week long…please save us the deer in the headlights look if you want to be famous also is it just me or is Mike Reno the clone of David Hasslehoff you be the judge?

3. Helix: Give me an R O C K well you may know the song but you don’t know the band…not only did they infiltrate the airways with horrible cheesy videos but they look like a 70’s glamour shot. The molester mustaches have to go it just is not right

2. Grim Reaper: See you in Hell but only if Grim Reaper makes it there first because of their blatant abuse of poor lyrics, crummy videos, and horrible costumes they almost have the full package. These poor guys could not even afford new clothes or new lyrics for their stellar followup to See you in Hell which was Rock you in Hell…only people who enjoy their music and look should be sent to Hell

1. Orleans: These guys had to take the top spot and it is obvious why…were they smoking pole or just plain crazy for this ugly ugly ugly look…it reeks of the toxic waste dump called the 70’s, of subculture group homosexuality, and just doesn’t look fun…they may have been Still the One but they will always be number one in my poll!

Professional Wrestling is full of really ugly people.

Many of you who have known Rett and Myself for a long time know about our love of old school WWF wrestling. Some of my fondest memories were on saturdays when the shit would come on and Rett and I would drop whatever we were doing at the time (for me it was probably eating and rett he was probably asleep because wrestling came on at one) to watch our superheroes in action. Rett and I were on a waiting list for four months for wrestlemania seven at cosmos video in kaysville and were dedicated to seeing the Hulkster pummel seargent slaughter into the ground for being anti-american.

However due to the beauty of You Tube I was able to retrace my memories and discovered that old school wrestling was full of some of the ugliest people and worst stereotypes on the planet. In doing so I wouldnt dare keep all the fun to myself. I will now feature the first one I revisited. This is Akeem the African dream. By looking at him he looks like a fat guy that works at Hill Air Force base in the paint shop. The story line of Akeem was that he was from the deepest darkest parts of Africa. Upon coming to America apparently he met up with his pimp freind Slick the doctor of style that would take him to the WWF to wreak havoc upon his opponents and all that opposed him.

First of all my assesment of Akeem is that the dark part of Africa that he was from was full of white polish people with southern accents that had an economy based upon Dunkin Doughnuts and Burger King. Second of all the video that is linked at the bottom shows us how Vince Mcmahon in all his puke glory tried to sell us quite possibly the worst story line since Dr Issak Yankem the sadistic dentist that fought his dental dreams in the ring. Watch the video and you be the judge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHA7IetjPZA

NBA ALL UGLY LIST

The Research has been done and the following list has been compiled. They are in a league of their own. In no certain order here are the top 15 ugliest players to put on a NBA jersey. Damn they are ugly bastards! Without further adeu I give you:



Big Ben Handlogten

Popeye "Sloth" Jones

Gheorghe "My Giant" Muresan

Chris "Caveman" Kaman

Sam "E.T." Cassell

Joakim Noah

Mengke "Asian Shrek" Bateer

Luis "That's a huge Bitch!" Scola

Shelden "Fish Eyes" Williams

Michael "Baraka" Ruffin

Ha Seung-Jin

Delonte West

Charlie "The Hairless Wonder" Villanueva

Calvin "Dr. Death" Booth

Bill "Teenwolf" Walton

Davin

Special Thanks to Chris Peterson

Movie treat of the week

You can see by the several references in the blog that we love Arnold. We believe that he is unsurpassed by any actor on or off the silver screen. Arnold embodies the true spirit of the thespian that resides in the bosom. I think that its a shame that the there is such an Austrian bias in hollywood. It is obvious that he definently should have won at least five oscars and at the minimum a lifetime achievement award. Here is proof that arnold is not your average human being. In this particualar scene he exemplifies the American Justice system by dealing out a fair and just punishement. I will now let you watch for yourself and make your own decision. I personally imagine the bad guys as the AIG executives that dropped 440,000 dollars of bailout money on a retreat and then instead of a hearing we send in Arnold to recollect on the damn money.

Enjoy Jeff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgNB8qjX1eU&feature=related

Memories

I thought I would like to share a few memories from my youth. Here is a picture of me and John Connors right before a steelers game. John was very happy in his Steelers Jersey and as you can see I was happy to have unlimited gravy and meatballs.

Love Rett

DREAM

I had a dream last night. A dream full of many unanswered questions. I awoke to the beating of a drum in my family room. The pulsating drum beat began to make my hips gyrate to and fro. I changed form and became a snake. I'm not sure what type of snake I had become. Maybe a cobra maybe a python maybe a trouser I am not really sure. As I slithered to the family room I noticed an Indian standing in the middle of the room void of my furniture which was once there. I think the Indian was Pawnee he sure as hell wasn't Blackfoot. I spoke to the neatly shorn red man and inquired about my furniture. the Indian said nothing only stared at the drum as if he was mentally making love to it. I was hungry and had not the time nor the patience to plead for the drum beating savage to reply. I slithered to the pantry and tried to open the door but realized I had no hands because I had no arms. luckily the door jolted open after a couple of minutes and out walked a little troll in a diaper named meat. the diaper was not named meat the troll was named meat. I know his name was meat because the little bastard was eating my chicken in a biscuits. I tried to stop meat from eating my favorite crackers but he only cackled and blew snot at me. The Indian apparently found this to be humorous because he belted out a deep belly laugh from his inner girth that seemed to shake the very rafters of my house. As I tried to retreat to my bedroom meat scurried over to the Indian and said in an almost giddy tone "the time is right". The Indian obviously agreed and pointed to my front door. I stared at the door not knowing what to expect next. But nothing happened, the door just kept closed and again the two hideous creatures cackled. Meats breath smelled like a well used cat litter box and I told meat this. To my amazement meat pulled out a flask of Listerine and proceeded to drink the entire bottle. I must admit meats breath was minty and it reminded me of a winter wonderland with dancing elves and candy cane lined streets. I realized at this point that I was dreaming and began to try waking up. I figured that if I tried provoking the Indian he would get mad and stomp me into reality. I slithered up to the Indian and bit through his moccasin. The Indian let out a beastly howl then began to stomp me into the carpet of my family room. I thought I would wake up to the pleasant confines of my nice warm bed but instead was made into a pair of snake skin boots and sold by meat to an Australian business man. It turns out I had already woken up. It's strange but makes sense, reality was the dream.


RRJ

Weekly ugly music video Round up

Every week will will give you a link to the ugliest music video of the week. Corrospondent Roger Key is kind enough to send us this link. Eddie money seems to be nothing short of ugly so you will probably be seeing a lot of him. Follow the link.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shm5fUjhwik

Ivan shandor!

First and formost I would like to welcome myself and my brother to the forum. Here you will find any topic in your heart and imagination and be able to slake your thirst upon the inner thoughts of the Jaques mind. Those who know of the wavelength are only able to sense it and not maintain it. I warn all of those who read this that this blog page is not for the imaginitive faint of heart and not for people named sterling. However those who read this page will be blessed with angels kisses and entertained with its demonic like laughter and bally hoo. Let me give you some insight of what you see on this page. We will not only entertain all with our own stories and short movies but also with entertainment, politics and sports.